Friday, May 4, 2012

Scratching

100-word Flash Fiction: FridayFictioneers
A story inspired by this photo provided by Madison Woods.

Scratching

Dawn looked up, pensively. "What's that noise?"

Keith muted the TV. "Sounds like something scratching inside that wall."

"A mouse?"

"Too big. Listen! There are thumps, too!"

"Keith, should we call someone?"

"No. I'll open it and see what's inside."

Keith started carefully. Five years ago, he had repapered it himself, hoping to take Dawn's mind off the loss of their daughter. Soon, he worked more feverishly. The scratching slowed.

Finally, he had demolished most of the drywall and could see inside.

"It's Trina!"

"How can that be?"

"I don't know. But she hasn't changed a bit in five years!"


18 comments:

  1. Is Trina the daughter that died? If so this is extremely disturbing and not just because she's alive behind the wall - but because of how nonchalant Keith is about it!

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    1. Keith is nonchalant simply because I ran out of words (I am a stickler for the 100 words). To be honest, I was more concerned that Dawn would seem more nonplussed than Keith ... maybe I put too much credence in the power of a single exclamation point. I had attempted a more narrative version that I think captured the emotions of the couple better (before, during and after), but it was verging on 200 words.

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  2. Great twist and shocking, though I expected some more serious reaction from the couple. Mine is here: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/05/04/fridayfictioneers-lost-without-you/

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    1. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment ... the reaction comes in the next 100 words (nice cop-out, huh). Actually, and as I said above, I simply ran out of words. Suggestions for what to leave out in the preceding 85 words would be much appreciated from anyone else who comes along and see this

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  3. This will be a good start for a paranormal. One hundred words IS quite a challenge, isn't it? That's what makes it fun and constructive practice, though. Looking forward to more of your work.

    Mine: http://www.vlgregory-circa1800.vpweb.com/blog.html

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  4. Scratching
    “What’s that noise?” asked Dawn.
    Keith muted the TV. “Sounds like something scratching inside that wall.”
    “A mouse?”
    “Too loud. Listen! There’s thumping, too!”
    “Should we call someone?”
    “No, I’ll open it and look inside.”
    Keith started carefully. Five years ago, he had repapered it himself, hoping to take Dawn’s mind off the loss of their daughter, Trina. He began to work feverishly. The scratching quieted.
    Soon he broke through the drywall and could see inside.
    “It’s Trina!”
    “How can that be?”
    “I don’t know, but she hasn’t changed a bit in five years!”
    "She's been hiding there for five years?"

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    Replies
    1. Well thanks, Linda ... sometimes I need about a day longer to think things through and first efforts get the rough edges smoothed (then again, sometimes I overthink things and the rough version was much better). There is some purposeful ambiguity, here ... as I explained below to Carlos ... but probably trying to be too clever for my own good.

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  5. By the way, I thought this story was hilarious!
    Lindaura

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  6. Well, I never! The temerity of Ms Glamoura to rewrite your story!
    I thought your story was hilarious and, if anything, I would emphasize Keith's indifference. It's a black humour tale of poor parenting skills, a subject I'm sure you're familiar with.

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  7. Scratching

    "What's that noise?"

    Keith put his beer down and muted the TV. "Sounds like something scratchin' inside that wall."

    "A mouse?"

    "Too big. Listen — there's thumps!"

    "Should we call someone?"

    "Nah, baby, I'll open it and see what's inside."

    Five years ago, he repapered the new wall himself to take Dawn's mind off the loss of their daughter. He worked feverishly; the scratching slowed.

    Finally, most of the drywall demolished, he looked inside.

    "It's Trina!"

    "How can that be?"

    "I don't know, but she ain't changed a bit in five years!"

    “Ask her if she wants some dinner.”

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    1. Harharharharhar ...

      I think I will take your idea and modify my story a bit (not here, I don't know the rules, but that seems a bit dishonest ... plus it will make your comment look pretty silly). Truth of the matter is I got stuck going two directions, couldn't make up my mind which way to go, so left it purposely vague (ambiguous) so it could go either way. Both involved suspending normal physics and even some biological truths ... but hey ... who says I can't do that. Anyway, I think I should have settled on one semi-plausible outcome and done what you did: make it clear. At least you caught the basics of the one I liked best (though it should have been Keith to ask if she wanted dinner, since he's the one that walled her in there). I'll play with it a bit. It was a fun one.

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  8. Wow. Where did she go? A space/time vortex? Spectral kidnapping?

    Very good.

    Here's mine:http://teschoenborn.com/2012/05/03/friday-fictioneers-the-gig/

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    1. TE Schoenborn ... that's heading in the other direction I was suggesting. Have to play with it some more to see where she actually went; but she certainly hasn't changed much in the last five years, as attested to by her father

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  9. Conceptually, I like the idea. It's difficult to pull off in 100 words, for sure, particularly making such a complex story hold up. Nice job.

    Here's mine: http://thebradleychronicles.wordpress.com/

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  10. Dear Scott,

    What I liked most about your story was the way everyone chimed in to rewrite it! That takes friendship in boatloads. Aren't you glad you're here?

    Aloha,

    Doug

    http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/05/04/the-nerve/

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    1. Thanks for taking the time to visit my site and to read my effort. The "everyone" who chimed in have been personal friends for more than a couple of decades ... so you accurately identified boatloads of friendship! I also appreciate the time it took to make the effort; I can use all the help I can get when it comes to writing. I will go take a look at yours in a few ...

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  11. Well, that was an interesting trip...reading other takes on your story. I liked Carlo's comical ending about dinner. I don't think I would be so nonchalant if I discovered my missing child trapped behind a wall. But that's just me...trying to make sense out of someone else's story. Now see what you've started? lol. Here's mine: www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com

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  12. I'm creeped out, but not exactly sure why. Hmmm...this one's a thinker.

    http://kbnelson.wordpress.com/2012/05/05/friday-flash-fiction-demolition/

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