Friday Fictioners 5/18/12
This story is written in response to the prompt found at http://madisonwoods.wordpress.com/flash-fiction/rainbows/
This story is written in response to the prompt found at http://madisonwoods.wordpress.com/flash-fiction/rainbows/
Jason stood arrogantly to the side. Phineas Barnum finished another mouthful of dove and grapes. Iris disappeared into the rainbow from whence she came, while Calais and Zetes hovered nearby. The rest of the crew lounged near the banquet table.
“Step right up, son,” Barnum finally bellowed. He added, “You seem trapped between twin dangers.”
“Literally and figuratively,” Jason muttered.
“Well, normally you wouldn’t leave before I found a silver lining in this crowd … but you did rid me of my harpies. Just take one of my doves and follow it closely between the rocks … you probably will get through.”
“Isn’t there an easier way to Georgia?”
Clever and funny at the same time! It reminds me of Thomas Pynchon, who you know I like very much. Barnum: Every crowd has silver lining...ha!
ReplyDeleteI had it to 100 words, but it just stopped ... so I added the final sentence. Had already chopped and cut and hacked it to bits before the final solution popped into mind. Glad you liked it. I liked yours, too.
DeleteOops, mine is at http://repuestodelatabla.wordpress.com/
ReplyDeleteI never thought of Barnum among the Greek gods, but he would fit in, wouldn't he?
ReplyDeleteMy story - http://newpillowbook.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/friday-fictioneers-finding-the-gold/
Dove and grapes? Errrgh! Nice one.
ReplyDeleteVery funny! Loved 'every crowd has a silver lining'. A great take on the photo prompt and clever too. Great job :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, freejournowriter ... do you have a story you want me to look at?
DeleteThe line, " you did rid me of my harpies" made me laugh. It seemed like a play on words. A mythological creature or a a case of an sti. Probably just the way it sounded in my head. Very nice.
ReplyDeleteThank you, CC. You are correct about the double entendre ... i structured the sentence to play on the similarities in the two words, and to try to create a bit of ambiguity about what was going on.
DeleteGood morning Scot! I like how you centered your story around Greek mythology, as well as having Phineus becoming Barnum (hmmm.....is the circus in your town? :D ) Ingenious! I do think another sentence or two at the end would help - perhaps a comeback from Phineus in answer to Jason's question. The story seems to drop at the end. My first time participating in FF, my story was at 119 words, and I was given an excellent piece of advice that I'll pass on to you - "...don't sweat the word count. Sometimes a story needs more words..." Hope this was the kind of advice you were looking for.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great cast of characters. I liked the threshold between the two worlds where your story was set. My first thought is he is Jason of the Argonauts, (but I know nothing of that story so not sure why he came to mind). I don't know what it has to do with Georgia. But even in spite of that, I enjoyed the story.
ReplyDeleteYour intuition was correct. The Jason stories are fundamental to a great deal of Greek heroic mythology, and tend to be based in history and regional geography, as well.
DeleteDear Scott,
ReplyDeleteI'm up early this morning before headed off into the day to eat me some doves and grapes and I just wanted to say that your piece needs no criticism, constructive or other wise except maybe that it was too good for mere mortals. It was finely layered, many faceted, multi hued gem of a story that made me laugh, Google and envy simultaneously. It was easily in the top five this week and the only reason I don't say 'the best!' is that pride goeth before the fall and I you have enough to worry about on your way to Georgia, eh?
I'd have written this earlier (like yesterday) but I knew a reply befitting your tale would take more than I had to give. Now, when the sun is just rising and the doves in the mock-orange are going off I felt the muse move me and here I am.
The Barnum touch was beautiful, the cast of characters a motley collection of deities and Jason the feisty counterpoint to their immortal indifference.
To make a short story long, I loved it. On second thought you're going to have to deal with pride. ( I hope you survive.) Your story was the best of the bunch.
Aloha,
Doug
Coming from you, I take the praise gladly (but humbly). I will say something over on your site, as well, because I do not know if these "replies" get passed on to others. Well, actually, I do sort of know whether replies get passed on. When I first started participating in FF, I always checked the boxes at other people's blogs that allowed me to "subscribe" or "get email notification when ..." I soon found I was overwhelmed with emails telling me what every other Tom, Dick, and Harriet was saying at the sites I had already visited. Though retired, I have better things to do than to read hundreds of messages that are mostly variations on "nice twist", "I liked it", and so on.
DeleteScott, I had been by before while I was waiting for my brother to come by for a trip to the movies. He arrived just as I was reading yours. I meant to come back and comment, but I must admit I forgot until I found your comment on mine just now. Thanks for the suggestion. I'm afraid I don't pay enough attention to details like that. You're right it would sound better.
ReplyDeleteBeside, I really needed to go back and read a summary of the original tale before I could be sure I understood all your references. Very nice job. I liked that you made Phineas into Barnum and "the step right up" made me chuckle. The "the silver lining in this crowd" was a nice play on words too.
On the other hand, the connection to the writing prompt was kind of vague. Maybe the "twin dangers" Jason was trapped between? Still, a nice piece of writing and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Here's mine for any of your readers who might be interested: http://melodypearson.com/flash-fiction/may-18-2012-rainbows/
Mythology and PT Barnum and the implied rock and hard place. I love the immediate immersion into the fantastic. Good and kind of scary fun!
ReplyDeleteKathy
http://notforallmarkets.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/after/#comment-210
Thanks, Kathy. It's starting to look like perhaps I wasn't as overly ambiguous as I feared I was.
DeleteI thought there was no cure for harpies. (haha, sorry...I tried to resist but couldn't). I love the mythology angle...I used to know all of the stories by heart (I actually studied them in school). Thank you for a taste (literally...almost) of something I love.
ReplyDelete~Susan